I never thought I’d miss Nixon.
Well, at least the war on the environment is going well. Jesus loves me, this I know – that is why I don’t drive slow!
Don’t believe everything you think.
My feminine side is lesbian.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
I’m schizophrenic and so am I.
Cats make everything taste better.
Stable relationships are for horses.
Your body would look good in my trunk.
Just say NO to negativity
I thought I was indecisive; now I’m not so sure.
I’ve heard about the evils of drinking beer, so I gave up reading.
Beer doesn’t make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls).
My dog is smarter than your honor student.
I feel better after I wine a little.
The winner of the rat race is still a rat.
Sorry if I look interested, I’m not!
When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.
I love animals. They’re delicious.
Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!
I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
Want a little taste of religion? Bite the minister.
I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!
My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states.
My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!
I don’t think, therefore I am not.
Jesus is coming. Look busy!
Say “NO” to drugs. That will bring the prices down.
Jesus loves you. But I’m his favorite.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
If it ain’t broke, take it apart and fix it.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
The control key on the keyboard does not work.
The meek shall inherit the earth, after we’re through with it.
Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you’re a jerk.
Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all the time.
Don’t make me mad. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
I plan to live forever. So far, so good!
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.
On your mark, get set, go away!
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Let’s skip the insults and get right down to your butt kicking!Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I had the right to remain silent, but I didn’t have the ability.
If you can read this, you’re not the president.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?
The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
Mop and Glo – The floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team.
NyQuil – The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
Gravity: It’s not just a good idea. It’s the law.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
You – Off my planet.
If you are what you eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren’t asleep.
I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
There’s no place like 127.0.0.1
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I’m supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?
You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Nyquil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.
I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.
In dog years, I’m dead!
South Korea’s got Seoul!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
The trouble with the gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
IRS: Be Audit You Can Be
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!
(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!
I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
A day without sunshine is like night.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
Old age comes at a bad time.
If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?
In America, anyone can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
So you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute?
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
The more you complain the longer God makes you live.
I R S: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Out of my mind – back in five minutes.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Hang up and drive.
Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
I said “no” to drugs, but they didn’t listen.
Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU’RE still an idiot.
I fish, therefore I lie.
Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Honk If you want to see my finger.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
EARTH FIRST! We’ll strip-mine the other planets later.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).
Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.
What if the hokey pokey is really what it’s all about?
If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0!
Driver carries no cash. He’s married.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation’s greatest evils: people who shouldn’t drink with people who shouldn’t sing.
If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?
Watch out for the idiot behind me.
I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol!
So you’re kids no honor student. Society needs laborers.
Honk if you hate peace and quiet.
I have the body of a god. Buddha.
In case of rapture, can I have your car?
Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I’m deaf and blind.
Honk if you’ve never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.
Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
If it isn’t broken, fix it until it is.
Thank God I’m an atheist.
Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
Some days it’s just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico.
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
If you’re happy and you know it see a shrink.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
Worry. God knows all about you.
I drive the speed limit. If you don’t like it, call a cop!
Vote Democrat – it’s easier than working!
Vote Republican – it’s easier than thinking!
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Squirrels: Nature’s speed bumps.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.